Man Enters Presidential Race To Avoid Parallel Parking

Detroit:  C. D. Arslanian officially tossed his hat in the ring today as the newest presidential hopeful, claiming to have the most unique party platform ever.  "I just never want to parallel park ever again! I mean the president has a limo. That's cool!" C. D. shouted to the crowd of adoring fans.  There was a sea of homemade signs reading, "Parking is for suckers", "10 and 2 is not for U", and "At least you're honest!" 

During our brief interview with the exceptionally busy Arslanian we asked what C.D. stands for.  "CAN'T DRIVE!" he shouted, "no seriously, it's Charles David but you can call me Can't Drive if you want.  All my friends do.  If you folks want to see my birth certificate I gots it right here in my back pocket.  When I first made that offer my poll numbers jumped ten points for some reason."

He continued, "I remember the first time I tried to parallel park.  I got so confused I turned the wheel the wrong way and hit the gas instead of the brake and ended up jumping the curb with my back tires and almost bumping into the brick wall of the feed store.  I never want to go through that again!  I've never been that comfortable of a driver and I think this would be the perfect way for the American people to make sure I am never on the roads again."

When asked if he thought it was ironic that he was such a poor driver in the middle of a city whose main claim to fame was making cars, he said, "Detroit?  Cars?  Really?  Well ain't that something!"  We further asked what his foreign policy would be.  "Well I sure as heck ain't gonna drive anywhere else neither!  I hear tell that there are some cities where they drive on the right hand side of the road!  Weird!"  We then informed him that America was in fact a country where everyone drove on the right side of the road and other countries were different than here by driving on the left.  "OH well, guess I won't have to worry about any of that stuff come this August.

We then informed C. D. that it would actually be November of next year and wished him luck.  "Heck, I don't need no luck.  They're tellin' me that I already got 27 million dollars in donations...and that's only since Friday!"