Sunday, January 15, 2012

Scooby Doo Producers Embarrassed to Hear, "Jinkies" Actually Lithuanian 'F' Word

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Man Spends Decades, Life Savings, Perfecting Andy Griffith Whistle

Mayberry:  Gone are the days of walking down a dirt road, carrying your fishing pole, and skipping stones as portrayed in the opening scenes of the Andy Griffith Show, but that has not deterred one Barnard Fluter from trying to recapture at least part of that magic through song.  Barnard, who has legally petitioned to change his name to Andy Griffith, feels that his twenty years of hard work have been worth it.  "I mean sure, no one has paid me, or even asked me to do it.  There aren't any plans to recreate the show.  I lost the house my mom left me.  My wife left me.  My lips are numb...I'm sorry what was the question?"

Barnard claims to have started this quest in his late teens.  "I only really like the opening.  I didn't like the show at all.  I mean what kind of name is Opie?  And apparently there was a real dufus of a deputy.  What was his name again?  But if they ever decide to remake of the show I am a shoe-in for the part of the whistler in the credits!"  Barnard has even won the annual whistle-off at the Tuscaloosa county fair once.  "I totally should have won for the last twelve years also, but there's something about being original and fresh in the stupid rule book."

Barnard's ex wife was interviewed at the state hospital for the criminally insane.  "Yeah it was cute in high school.  He was fun to be around.  I thought it was cute to have him whistle for me under the old oak tree in my yard.  I thought he was serenading me.  Turns out he was practicing!  Loser!  Do you realize he's never had a job!?"  When asked about the conditions surrounding their divorce she became agitated but was able to recount at least part of the story.  "I suppose it started when we got that damn parrot.  Barnie, did you know that he hates to be called that?, Barnie had been working on that stupid whistle of his for about ten years already.  The stupid bird picked it up in a day and a half!  So then I had two mindless drones whistling that dumbass song.  Then someone came along and said 'Did you know that there are words to it?'  Barnie didn't!  He's wasted his whole life on something that he knows nothing about! I snapped!  I went berserk. I am not really sure what happened but the police tell me that there were feathers everywhere, I just kept asking for shake and bake, and cackling 'it tastes just like chicken!'  I've put it behind me most of the time but I did stab an intern who happened to be whistling about a month ago so I guess I have some more work to do."

This reporter informed Barnard that a movie studio was exploring making a movie version of the show.  "Yeah, I know.  They started out being very interested but then they just stopped calling me.  I guess I shouldn't have sent them a digital copy of me whistling the tune.  Oh well, live and learn."  

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Francisco Lopez Complains Witness Protection Name Unimaginative

Bethelridge, KY, 42516 (latitude 37.234 and longitude -84.758 Population 18 until a few days ago when it increased by one...Not to be confused with Bethel Ridge, VA) 
Francisco Lopez has filed a formal complaint that his new name of John Smothers, given to him by the witness protection program, is not as becoming as he would like it to be.  "I mean I went to high school in Chicago with a guy named John.  I hated him.  Do I look like a John?"  stated Lopez/Smothers.  The federal government has spent hundreds of dollars changing his appearance from the dark brown haired, brown eyed, 5' 8" witness to and secret video taper of an organized crime drug deal/ multiple murder, to a blond haired, blue eyed, furniture re-finisher at Pete's Furniture Repair, located at the corner of Hwy 70 and Rock Lick Rd.  Admittedly, he still does not look like a John.

"When I first started getting death threats I was happy to have someone watching my back.  When my car blew up, my house was sprayed with bullets, and they found those international assassins with my picture and a suitcase full of weapons and cash, I thought, sure, why not, I could chill somewhere else.  But John Smothers?  Come on!"

The witness protection branch of the Federal Government had no official comment about the complaint.  One employee, speaking on the condition of anonymity, claimed, "I picked out that name myself!  It's my father's name and I think it is a damn fine name!  I am proud to be named after him and Francisco Lopez should be too."  A spokesperson for the Correlli crime syndicate, when shown his new picture (from his driver's license)  claimed, "I don't know, I think he looks more like a Franky than a John.  Wait a minute, let me copy down that address."  Ironically, Francisco/John had chosen Franky as one of his possible aliases.  "I think I could totally pull off Franky Lopes...with an 's' instead of a 'z'.  I would also have liked, Fransisco, Frank, or Phransisco."

When asked what the most significant change has been concerning his change from living in Chicago to Bethelridge, Francisco/John claimed, "I hate the silver car they gave me.  And look at that license plate. 
BG LO53R, I don't know if this is someone's idea of a joke or what but I think they made it look like, Big Loser on purpose!  They are probably just mad because I wouldn't give them the only copy in existence of the video tape that will decide the fate of most of the crime organization for the rest of their lives.  No way brother!  I will keep that safely locked away until I go to court.  I mean what is safer than the trunk of my car?"

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Convalescent Stabbing: Both Women Claim "My Great-Grandchild's The Cutest"

Sun Valley:  Ethel Finster and Gladys Walker were involved in an altercation that ended in both needing stitches at Washington General.  Finster, 94, is in stable condition and Walker, 93, returned to the home later that evening. 

As she was being wheeled out to the van to take her back to Shady Acres Walker called out, "You got nothin!  Enjoy your stay you old bitty!"  Finster responded with what some might call a freeway gesture and called out, "Say hi to that hamster you call a great-grandchild you loon!" 

John Stegard, director of Shady Acres, claims that trouble has been brewing for some time now.  "We have the usual gangs and cliques associated with groups of people but as far as I knew neither of these ladies was associated with the Gray Ghosts, the gang that controls the block from therapy to the west corridor.  The Silver Scooters have claimed no responsibility in this incident.  They control from dining all the way to the southern corridor.  As far as I know this incident was not gang related and the tattoos these women have do not indicate gang memberships." 

An orderly who spoke on condition of anonymity claimed that both Walker and Finster talked big and liked to flash their homemade knives around but neither had actually gone so far as to actually use them.  "I thought they both were just big talkers.  I mean neither one wanted to take part in the weekly grudge match that we have here.  I put money on that Stella from 393.  She has issues.  I guess I lost five bucks."

Apparently the breaking point was when both women received cards with pictures.  While showing off the pictures in the courtyard, ordinarily neutral territory, both women made the "mine is the cutest" claim.  Both women have been banned from arts and crafts and need to enroll in anger management classes at the home.  "I hope this ends well," stated Stegard, "but I don't know.  The woman who runs the anger class was just showing me a picture of her grandchild and he is darn cute."

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Child Disappointed: Steering Wheel On Playground Didn't Turn Jack

Fresno:  Kyle Nickson (4 and three quarters) was on the verge of tears in the early hours of what should have been a pleasant Saturday morning.  Little did he realize that, as he puts it, "the expectations about humanity would be dashed on the jagged rocks of despair."  Nickson's disappointment began when he grabbed hold of the steering wheel attached to northernmost tower of the playground structure and, "it didn't turn Jack!" 

Nickson claims, "I follow the rules.  I go tinkle on the big boy potty.  I stopped pulling the cat's ears.  I stay buckled when I ride in the car.  Is it too much to ask that people don't try to pass off shoddy workmanship on us.  We should be able to make the reasonable assumption that objects do what they are supposed to do.  I mean what's next?!  I suppose now you're going to tell me that the phone thing over there doesn't do anything but local calls?  Or worse?  I have to pay roaming charges?!" 

Nickson, who others describe as a quiet playmate,  claims to be in the planning stages of organizing a protest march.  "When we grab that wheel and give it a spin, we want the playground to turn darnit!" 

Designers of the playground structure were unavailable for comment but sent a message via their lawyer. 

Dear Sirs,
We regret that the non-functioning steering wheel on our Play-O-Matic 9000 has caused confusion and distress.  Designers feel that it has been made to the best of our ability and installed with care just like all of our products.  In a perfect world steering wheels on playgrounds would make the playgrounds turn.  This is not a perfect world.  Some things are made to be purely decoration and serve no purpose whatsoever.  Look at the fire sprinklers in our factory, for example, or anyone named Kardashian for that matter.  We consider this matter closed and invite you to design your own playground if you don't like ours.
Neener Neener Neener,
Bryan Finster, CEO
Nickson's reaction to the letter was not fit to be printed but admittedly, it was time for his nap and he was a little cranky.  When this reporter suggested that it might be time for a widdle nigh nigh time Nickson remarked, "Don't patronize me.  It demeans us both."

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Offensive Joke Consortium Offers Reward for Discovery of New Ethnic Group

Nantucket:  In an effort to remain a vital force among comedians the Offensive Joke Consortium or OJC have determined that it is imperative that they discover a new group to vilify.  "Think of a group of think of a new can't be done!" says Mark Wenderbrook spokesperson for the OJC.  "All of the jokes have been written.  It is really hard (that's what she sa...sorry, occupational hazard) to come up with new material.  After years of government sponsored research, and billions of dollars, we have come to the conclusion that it would be beneficial to discover a new group of people."

The OJC's national convention had several heated debates over the key issues of sinking all of their money into research and development of new material or setting aside a sizable amount as a reward for an exciting discovery.  After weeks of wrangling, the consortium has determined that it would be best to continue to work with the material they already have but remain hopeful and offer a reward of 25 to 30 million on a sliding scale."Well sure, any new group can be worked with from a ridicule standpoint but to get the full reward we would like to see a really odd social custom or a pronounced facial feature." claims Wenderbrook. 

The OJC implores you, explorers and anthropologists alike, get searching for a new people!  Your next trip to a comedy club, or a junior high school, could depend on it.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Area "Person" Has Man Card Revoked

San Francisco:  Bruce Nutter was shocked to learn yesterday morning that his man card was being revoked.  Apparently the 44 year old Nutter has never seen any of the movies from the Godfather trilogy.  "That just cannot happen!" claimed Jake Johnson from the Organization of Masculinity.  "We make exceptions for pre-teen boys whose parents are opposed to movie violence, and Italian Americans who do not think this is an accurate portrayal of the Mafia.  But to be 44 years old and never see any of them, we had to move."

The process involved in removing the card is secret, but we were told that Nutter was taken to an undisclosed location for the removal.  "I never knew that card was a real thing!" claims Nutter, "My buddies used to tease me about it when I would hold my girlfriend's purse while she shopped for beaded collars for our Bichon Frise, Tinkerbell.  I didn't know they could actually do it!"

Mr. Johnson, who insisted that we call him Jake, stated that Nutter had been on the watch list for years.  "He almost lost it back when we learned that he could pronounce the breed of that overgrown fluffy white rat of theirs.  I, naturally, cannot pronounce it."  When this reporter tried to be helpful and said, "Bee Shon Free Z..."  Mr. Johnso...I mean Jake, raised an eyebrow and asked if I still had tassels on the handle bars of my bike.  I do of today.

Nutter's case is pending appeal but it didn't look good when the reason given for being late to the court was, "I had to go get product for my hair."  Following a failed appeal Nutter will be given the opportunity to become re-educated.  "We are beyond just watching the dang movies now!  This person needs to go through our intensive training system."  Jake refused to tell us the details involved with getting reinstated, and then he covered one nostril and cleared the other, in a manly way.

Do not worry, if re-education does not work there are careers where Nutter would fit in.  Jake concluded. "People have already changed the names to mailperson, waitperson, and tons more for a person like Bruce."