Bethelridge, KY, 42516 (latitude 37.234 and longitude -84.758 Population 18 until a few days ago when it increased by one...Not to be confused with Bethel Ridge, VA)
Francisco Lopez has filed a formal complaint that his new name of John Smothers, given to him by the witness protection program, is not as becoming as he would like it to be. "I mean I went to high school in Chicago with a guy named John. I hated him. Do I look like a John?" stated Lopez/Smothers. The federal government has spent hundreds of dollars changing his appearance from the dark brown haired, brown eyed, 5' 8" witness to and secret video taper of an organized crime drug deal/ multiple murder, to a blond haired, blue eyed, furniture re-finisher at Pete's Furniture Repair, located at the corner of Hwy 70 and Rock Lick Rd. Admittedly, he still does not look like a John.
"When I first started getting death threats I was happy to have someone watching my back. When my car blew up, my house was sprayed with bullets, and they found those international assassins with my picture and a suitcase full of weapons and cash, I thought, sure, why not, I could chill somewhere else. But John Smothers? Come on!"
The witness protection branch of the Federal Government had no official comment about the complaint. One employee, speaking on the condition of anonymity, claimed, "I picked out that name myself! It's my father's name and I think it is a damn fine name! I am proud to be named after him and Francisco Lopez should be too." A spokesperson for the Correlli crime syndicate, when shown his new picture (from his driver's license) claimed, "I don't know, I think he looks more like a Franky than a John. Wait a minute, let me copy down that address." Ironically, Francisco/John had chosen Franky as one of his possible aliases. "I think I could totally pull off Franky Lopes...with an 's' instead of a 'z'. I would also have liked, Fransisco, Frank, or Phransisco."
When asked what the most significant change has been concerning his change from living in Chicago to Bethelridge, Francisco/John claimed, "I hate the silver car they gave me. And look at that license plate.
BG LO53R, I don't know if this is someone's idea of a joke or what but I think they made it look like, Big Loser on purpose! They are probably just mad because I wouldn't give them the only copy in existence of the video tape that will decide the fate of most of the crime organization for the rest of their lives. No way brother! I will keep that safely locked away until I go to court. I mean what is safer than the trunk of my car?"
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