Child Disappointed: Steering Wheel On Playground Didn't Turn Jack

Fresno:  Kyle Nickson (4 and three quarters) was on the verge of tears in the early hours of what should have been a pleasant Saturday morning.  Little did he realize that, as he puts it, "the expectations about humanity would be dashed on the jagged rocks of despair."  Nickson's disappointment began when he grabbed hold of the steering wheel attached to northernmost tower of the playground structure and, "it didn't turn Jack!" 

Nickson claims, "I follow the rules.  I go tinkle on the big boy potty.  I stopped pulling the cat's ears.  I stay buckled when I ride in the car.  Is it too much to ask that people don't try to pass off shoddy workmanship on us.  We should be able to make the reasonable assumption that objects do what they are supposed to do.  I mean what's next?!  I suppose now you're going to tell me that the phone thing over there doesn't do anything but local calls?  Or worse?  I have to pay roaming charges?!" 

Nickson, who others describe as a quiet playmate,  claims to be in the planning stages of organizing a protest march.  "When we grab that wheel and give it a spin, we want the playground to turn darnit!" 

Designers of the playground structure were unavailable for comment but sent a message via their lawyer. 

Dear Sirs,
We regret that the non-functioning steering wheel on our Play-O-Matic 9000 has caused confusion and distress.  Designers feel that it has been made to the best of our ability and installed with care just like all of our products.  In a perfect world steering wheels on playgrounds would make the playgrounds turn.  This is not a perfect world.  Some things are made to be purely decoration and serve no purpose whatsoever.  Look at the fire sprinklers in our factory, for example, or anyone named Kardashian for that matter.  We consider this matter closed and invite you to design your own playground if you don't like ours.

Neener Neener Neener,

Bryan Finster, CEO

Nickson's reaction to the letter was not fit to be printed but admittedly, it was time for his nap and he was a little cranky.  When this reporter suggested that it might be time for a widdle nigh nigh time Nickson remarked, "Don't patronize me.  It demeans us both."