Mayberry: Gone are the days of walking down a dirt road, carrying your fishing pole, and skipping stones as portrayed in the opening scenes of the Andy Griffith Show, but that has not deterred one Barnard Fluter from trying to recapture at least part of that magic through song. Barnard, who has legally petitioned to change his name to Andy Griffith, feels that his twenty years of hard work have been worth it. "I mean sure, no one has paid me, or even asked me to do it. There aren't any plans to recreate the show. I lost the house my mom left me. My wife left me. My lips are numb...I'm sorry what was the question?"
Barnard claims to have started this quest in his late teens. "I only really like the opening. I didn't like the show at all. I mean what kind of name is Opie? And apparently there was a real dufus of a deputy. What was his name again? But if they ever decide to remake of the show I am a shoe-in for the part of the whistler in the credits!" Barnard has even won the annual whistle-off at the Tuscaloosa county fair once. "I totally should have won for the last twelve years also, but there's something about being original and fresh in the stupid rule book."
Barnard's ex wife was interviewed at the state hospital for the criminally insane. "Yeah it was cute in high school. He was fun to be around. I thought it was cute to have him whistle for me under the old oak tree in my yard. I thought he was serenading me. Turns out he was practicing! Loser! Do you realize he's never had a job!?" When asked about the conditions surrounding their divorce she became agitated but was able to recount at least part of the story. "I suppose it started when we got that damn parrot. Barnie, did you know that he hates to be called that?, Barnie had been working on that stupid whistle of his for about ten years already. The stupid bird picked it up in a day and a half! So then I had two mindless drones whistling that dumbass song. Then someone came along and said 'Did you know that there are words to it?' Barnie didn't! He's wasted his whole life on something that he knows nothing about! I snapped! I went berserk. I am not really sure what happened but the police tell me that there were feathers everywhere, I just kept asking for shake and bake, and cackling 'it tastes just like chicken!' I've put it behind me most of the time but I did stab an intern who happened to be whistling about a month ago so I guess I have some more work to do."
This reporter informed Barnard that a movie studio was exploring making a movie version of the show. "Yeah, I know. They started out being very interested but then they just stopped calling me. I guess I shouldn't have sent them a digital copy of me whistling the tune. Oh well, live and learn."
Barnard claims to have started this quest in his late teens. "I only really like the opening. I didn't like the show at all. I mean what kind of name is Opie? And apparently there was a real dufus of a deputy. What was his name again? But if they ever decide to remake of the show I am a shoe-in for the part of the whistler in the credits!" Barnard has even won the annual whistle-off at the Tuscaloosa county fair once. "I totally should have won for the last twelve years also, but there's something about being original and fresh in the stupid rule book."
Barnard's ex wife was interviewed at the state hospital for the criminally insane. "Yeah it was cute in high school. He was fun to be around. I thought it was cute to have him whistle for me under the old oak tree in my yard. I thought he was serenading me. Turns out he was practicing! Loser! Do you realize he's never had a job!?" When asked about the conditions surrounding their divorce she became agitated but was able to recount at least part of the story. "I suppose it started when we got that damn parrot. Barnie, did you know that he hates to be called that?, Barnie had been working on that stupid whistle of his for about ten years already. The stupid bird picked it up in a day and a half! So then I had two mindless drones whistling that dumbass song. Then someone came along and said 'Did you know that there are words to it?' Barnie didn't! He's wasted his whole life on something that he knows nothing about! I snapped! I went berserk. I am not really sure what happened but the police tell me that there were feathers everywhere, I just kept asking for shake and bake, and cackling 'it tastes just like chicken!' I've put it behind me most of the time but I did stab an intern who happened to be whistling about a month ago so I guess I have some more work to do."
This reporter informed Barnard that a movie studio was exploring making a movie version of the show. "Yeah, I know. They started out being very interested but then they just stopped calling me. I guess I shouldn't have sent them a digital copy of me whistling the tune. Oh well, live and learn."
