Francisco Lopez Complains Witness Protection Name Unimaginative

Bethelridge, KY, 42516 (latitude 37.234 and longitude -84.758 Population 18 until a few days ago when it increased by one...Not to be confused with Bethel Ridge, VA) 
Francisco Lopez has filed a formal complaint that his new name of John Smothers, given to him by the witness protection program, is not as becoming as he would like it to be.  "I mean I went to high school in Chicago with a guy named John.  I hated him.  Do I look like a John?"  stated Lopez/Smothers.  The federal government has spent hundreds of dollars changing his appearance from the dark brown haired, brown eyed, 5' 8" witness to and secret video taper of an organized crime drug deal/ multiple murder, to a blond haired, blue eyed, furniture re-finisher at Pete's Furniture Repair, located at the corner of Hwy 70 and Rock Lick Rd.  Admittedly, he still does not look like a John.

"When I first started getting death threats I was happy to have someone watching my back.  When my car blew up, my house was sprayed with bullets, and they found those international assassins with my picture and a suitcase full of weapons and cash, I thought, sure, why not, I could chill somewhere else.  But John Smothers?  Come on!"

The witness protection branch of the Federal Government had no official comment about the complaint.  One employee, speaking on the condition of anonymity, claimed, "I picked out that name myself!  It's my father's name and I think it is a damn fine name!  I am proud to be named after him and Francisco Lopez should be too."  A spokesperson for the Correlli crime syndicate, when shown his new picture (from his driver's license)  claimed, "I don't know, I think he looks more like a Franky than a John.  Wait a minute, let me copy down that address."  Ironically, Francisco/John had chosen Franky as one of his possible aliases.  "I think I could totally pull off Franky Lopes...with an 's' instead of a 'z'.  I would also have liked, Fransisco, Frank, or Phransisco."

When asked what the most significant change has been concerning his change from living in Chicago to Bethelridge, Francisco/John claimed, "I hate the silver car they gave me.  And look at that license plate. 
BG LO53R, I don't know if this is someone's idea of a joke or what but I think they made it look like, Big Loser on purpose!  They are probably just mad because I wouldn't give them the only copy in existence of the video tape that will decide the fate of most of the crime organization for the rest of their lives.  No way brother!  I will keep that safely locked away until I go to court.  I mean what is safer than the trunk of my car?"

Convalescent Stabbing: Both Women Claim "My Great-Grandchild's The Cutest"

Sun Valley:  Ethel Finster and Gladys Walker were involved in an altercation that ended in both needing stitches at Washington General.  Finster, 94, is in stable condition and Walker, 93, returned to the home later that evening. 

As she was being wheeled out to the van to take her back to Shady Acres Walker called out, "You got nothin!  Enjoy your stay you old bitty!"  Finster responded with what some might call a freeway gesture and called out, "Say hi to that hamster you call a great-grandchild you loon!" 

John Stegard, director of Shady Acres, claims that trouble has been brewing for some time now.  "We have the usual gangs and cliques associated with groups of people but as far as I knew neither of these ladies was associated with the Gray Ghosts, the gang that controls the block from therapy to the west corridor.  The Silver Scooters have claimed no responsibility in this incident.  They control from dining all the way to the southern corridor.  As far as I know this incident was not gang related and the tattoos these women have do not indicate gang memberships." 

An orderly who spoke on condition of anonymity claimed that both Walker and Finster talked big and liked to flash their homemade knives around but neither had actually gone so far as to actually use them.  "I thought they both were just big talkers.  I mean neither one wanted to take part in the weekly grudge match that we have here.  I put money on that Stella from 393.  She has issues.  I guess I lost five bucks."

Apparently the breaking point was when both women received cards with pictures.  While showing off the pictures in the courtyard, ordinarily neutral territory, both women made the "mine is the cutest" claim.  Both women have been banned from arts and crafts and need to enroll in anger management classes at the home.  "I hope this ends well," stated Stegard, "but I don't know.  The woman who runs the anger class was just showing me a picture of her grandchild and he is darn cute."

Child Disappointed: Steering Wheel On Playground Didn't Turn Jack

Fresno:  Kyle Nickson (4 and three quarters) was on the verge of tears in the early hours of what should have been a pleasant Saturday morning.  Little did he realize that, as he puts it, "the expectations about humanity would be dashed on the jagged rocks of despair."  Nickson's disappointment began when he grabbed hold of the steering wheel attached to northernmost tower of the playground structure and, "it didn't turn Jack!" 

Nickson claims, "I follow the rules.  I go tinkle on the big boy potty.  I stopped pulling the cat's ears.  I stay buckled when I ride in the car.  Is it too much to ask that people don't try to pass off shoddy workmanship on us.  We should be able to make the reasonable assumption that objects do what they are supposed to do.  I mean what's next?!  I suppose now you're going to tell me that the phone thing over there doesn't do anything but local calls?  Or worse?  I have to pay roaming charges?!" 

Nickson, who others describe as a quiet playmate,  claims to be in the planning stages of organizing a protest march.  "When we grab that wheel and give it a spin, we want the playground to turn darnit!" 

Designers of the playground structure were unavailable for comment but sent a message via their lawyer. 

Dear Sirs,
We regret that the non-functioning steering wheel on our Play-O-Matic 9000 has caused confusion and distress.  Designers feel that it has been made to the best of our ability and installed with care just like all of our products.  In a perfect world steering wheels on playgrounds would make the playgrounds turn.  This is not a perfect world.  Some things are made to be purely decoration and serve no purpose whatsoever.  Look at the fire sprinklers in our factory, for example, or anyone named Kardashian for that matter.  We consider this matter closed and invite you to design your own playground if you don't like ours.

Neener Neener Neener,

Bryan Finster, CEO

Nickson's reaction to the letter was not fit to be printed but admittedly, it was time for his nap and he was a little cranky.  When this reporter suggested that it might be time for a widdle nigh nigh time Nickson remarked, "Don't patronize me.  It demeans us both."

Offensive Joke Consortium Offers Reward for Discovery of New Ethnic Group

Nantucket:  In an effort to remain a vital force among comedians the Offensive Joke Consortium or OJC have determined that it is imperative that they discover a new group to vilify.  "Think of a group of people...now think of a new joke...it can't be done!" says Mark Wenderbrook spokesperson for the OJC.  "All of the jokes have been written.  It is really hard (that's what she sa...sorry, occupational hazard) to come up with new material.  After years of government sponsored research, and billions of dollars, we have come to the conclusion that it would be beneficial to discover a new group of people."

The OJC's national convention had several heated debates over the key issues of sinking all of their money into research and development of new material or setting aside a sizable amount as a reward for an exciting discovery.  After weeks of wrangling, the consortium has determined that it would be best to continue to work with the material they already have but remain hopeful and offer a reward of 25 to 30 million on a sliding scale."Well sure, any new group can be worked with from a ridicule standpoint but to get the full reward we would like to see a really odd social custom or a pronounced facial feature." claims Wenderbrook. 

The OJC implores you, explorers and anthropologists alike, get searching for a new people!  Your next trip to a comedy club, or a junior high school, could depend on it.

Area "Person" Has Man Card Revoked

San Francisco:  Bruce Nutter was shocked to learn yesterday morning that his man card was being revoked.  Apparently the 44 year old Nutter has never seen any of the movies from the Godfather trilogy.  "That just cannot happen!" claimed Jake Johnson from the Organization of Masculinity.  "We make exceptions for pre-teen boys whose parents are opposed to movie violence, and Italian Americans who do not think this is an accurate portrayal of the Mafia.  But to be 44 years old and never see any of them, we had to move."

The process involved in removing the card is secret, but we were told that Nutter was taken to an undisclosed location for the removal.  "I never knew that card was a real thing!" claims Nutter, "My buddies used to tease me about it when I would hold my girlfriend's purse while she shopped for beaded collars for our Bichon Frise, Tinkerbell.  I didn't know they could actually do it!"

Mr. Johnson, who insisted that we call him Jake, stated that Nutter had been on the watch list for years.  "He almost lost it back when we learned that he could pronounce the breed of that overgrown fluffy white rat of theirs.  I, naturally, cannot pronounce it."  When this reporter tried to be helpful and said, "Bee Shon Free Z..."  Mr. Johnso...I mean Jake, raised an eyebrow and asked if I still had tassels on the handle bars of my bike.  I do not...as of today.

Nutter's case is pending appeal but it didn't look good when the reason given for being late to the court was, "I had to go get product for my hair."  Following a failed appeal Nutter will be given the opportunity to become re-educated.  "We are beyond just watching the dang movies now!  This person needs to go through our intensive training system."  Jake refused to tell us the details involved with getting reinstated, and then he covered one nostril and cleared the other, in a manly way.

Do not worry, if re-education does not work there are careers where Nutter would fit in.  Jake concluded. "People have already changed the names to mailperson, waitperson, and tons more for a person like Bruce."

Man Enters Presidential Race To Avoid Parallel Parking

Detroit:  C. D. Arslanian officially tossed his hat in the ring today as the newest presidential hopeful, claiming to have the most unique party platform ever.  "I just never want to parallel park ever again! I mean the president has a limo. That's cool!" C. D. shouted to the crowd of adoring fans.  There was a sea of homemade signs reading, "Parking is for suckers", "10 and 2 is not for U", and "At least you're honest!" 

During our brief interview with the exceptionally busy Arslanian we asked what C.D. stands for.  "CAN'T DRIVE!" he shouted, "no seriously, it's Charles David but you can call me Can't Drive if you want.  All my friends do.  If you folks want to see my birth certificate I gots it right here in my back pocket.  When I first made that offer my poll numbers jumped ten points for some reason."

He continued, "I remember the first time I tried to parallel park.  I got so confused I turned the wheel the wrong way and hit the gas instead of the brake and ended up jumping the curb with my back tires and almost bumping into the brick wall of the feed store.  I never want to go through that again!  I've never been that comfortable of a driver and I think this would be the perfect way for the American people to make sure I am never on the roads again."

When asked if he thought it was ironic that he was such a poor driver in the middle of a city whose main claim to fame was making cars, he said, "Detroit?  Cars?  Really?  Well ain't that something!"  We further asked what his foreign policy would be.  "Well I sure as heck ain't gonna drive anywhere else neither!  I hear tell that there are some cities where they drive on the right hand side of the road!  Weird!"  We then informed him that America was in fact a country where everyone drove on the right side of the road and other countries were different than here by driving on the left.  "OH well, guess I won't have to worry about any of that stuff come this August.

We then informed C. D. that it would actually be November of next year and wished him luck.  "Heck, I don't need no luck.  They're tellin' me that I already got 27 million dollars in donations...and that's only since Friday!"

Mom Was Right. Boys Face Freezes That Way

Pensacola:  Little Tommy Beliger will look at his mom a different way from now on.  Literally.  Despite frequent warnings young Tommy kept making "that face" and late afternoon Friday it froze that way.  Tommy's mother told this reporter that she warned him over and over that he should be careful.  "I don't know how he will get a job now." his mother lamented, "And with those crossed eyes and pretend buck teeth, no way am I buying any more school pictures." 

We traveled to the neighboring town of RCcola to get a reaction from his adult sister.  We were able to reach her in the final stages of filling out bankruptcy paperwork for her failing business of selling cows.  "It's not the economy.  I should have listened to mom and not given away the milk for free."  In response to seeing her brother's moderately disfigured face she said, "Big deal.  He looks like that in most of the family photos anyway."  Tommy's brother-in-law, his sister's husband, was unable to give us his reaction.  Apparently, he did not heed his mother's warnings not to do "that" and has gone blind.

Area Man Searches House For Glasses. Discovers Them On His Face

Fremont:  Jeff Garrett was nearly frantic for a full forty minutes early Wednesday morning while trying to "find his darn glasses!"  Garrett, who is no stranger to misplacing things, was heard to say, "If I find the person who hid my glasses I will make their life miserable!"  After locating his glasses, almost literally right under his nose, Garrett remarked, "I'm a man of my word.  I guess I have to start making my life miserable."  It was unclear how Jeff thought he might begin to do that but his initial thought was to show up late for work so he could get yelled at for being a slacker.  If that merely makes his life less pleasant then he will have to become more creative to make it truly miserable.  Further speculation indicates that he might start mouthing off to people who are obviously stronger than him but he wants to see how the going to work late thing turns out first.

When asked if this has ever happened before Garrett stated, "Sure it happens all the time." 

Garrett would like to thank his family, friends, and the community for their support during this difficult time but cannot figure out why they didn't just tell him where his glasses were instead of laughing and shaking their heads in disbelief.  Channel 6 was in the beginning stages of organizing a telethon raising money for a search party to be sent into his house.  "It was really helpful for the search party to come in when I was looking for that really cool pitcher that I use to make orange juice.  Who knew it was in the one cabinet to the left!?"  The benefit concert by Bono has been recommitted to Mitchell Jones who thinks he left his good windbreaker at the movie theater.  More details to come.